San Diego Divorce Attorneys Blog
Why it Might be a Good Idea to Put Dating on Pause During a Divorce
Just because you’re in the process of ending your marriage through divorce doesn’t mean that it’s the end of all hope for future love, romance or even another marriage in the future. However, while you might be eager to move on with your love life by jumping back into the dating scene, there are a few reasons why you might want to take a step back and put dating on hold until after your divorce is finalized.
- Both dating and going through a divorce require a lot of time and attention.
Going through a divorce can be extremely time-consuming, exhaustive and emotionally draining. This is especially true when the divorce is contested and there are children involved or there are complex, high-valued assets at issue. Jumping into a new relationship might not be the best move as you will need to devote a significant amount of time, energy and resources into finalizing your divorce. Also, if you want your new relationship to be successful then it is advised that you enter into it when you are emotionally, psychologically and financially stable. Otherwise, your new relationship might head down the same path as your marriage did.
- Dating could result in issues related to child custody.
If you are going through a divorce and there are minor children involved then dating can cause several issues that might affect custody and parenting arrangements. First of all, divorce is not only difficult on the spouses involved but also on the children. By bringing a new boyfriend or girlfriend into the children’s lives too soon might cause emotions of resentment and confusion to surface as the children have likely not had an adequate amount of time to adjust to and grasp all of the changes the come along with a divorce. Adding another person to the mix is just another change that is not in the best interests of your children.
Also, keep in mind that custody arrangements might also be affected if your new boyfriend or girlfriend has a bad (i.e. criminal) past. Legal fees will likely skyrocket if the focus of the divorce becomes about the new significant other, rather than just the two spouses.
- Infuriating your ex-spouse is not the best idea during a divorce.
If you begin dating while going through a divorce and your soon-to-be ex-spouse finds out, then he/she might react in a not so pleasant manner, to say the least. Inciting emotions of anger and jealousy will only lead to a more complex divorce as your spouse will be less likely to want to settle with you and the divorce will have less of chance of being as amicable as you had hoped. Finding someone new while ending the relationship with your current spouse will only add fuel to the fire in a contested divorce.
When it comes to dating while going through a divorce, it’s important to take a step back and look at the reasons why it might be in your best interest to wait until the divorce is officially over before seeking someone new. Even though you might feel lonely during a divorce and feel a longing to fill an empty space, remember that a divorce is only a bump in the road and that you have plenty of time afterward the divorce is final to begin moving on with your life. Focusing on resolving your divorce, rather than putting your time and energy into dating right away, will likely result in a quicker divorce with hopefully less emotional exhaustion.
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Divorce Tips from Celebrity Divorce Attorney Laura Wasser
Laura Wasser is an LA divorce attorney who represents Hollywood’s most famous celebrities. Considering her clientele, Wasser encounters her fair share of drama in her practice. Recently Wasser published a new book entitled “It Doesn’t Have to Be That Way” full of intriguing divorce stories and advice for any divorcing couple. Although Wasser has been involved in many divorce battles, she provides her readers with the following ten tips for a civilized divorce.
- Marriage is a contract. Although this “tip” seems harsh, it is true. Marriage is a contract between adults and when that contract ends, parties must wrap up their relationship in accordance with default California community property laws (unless a premarital agreement is in place). Further, once the relationship originally established between two people has changed, a new relationship must be discussed and negotiated.
- Divorce is a business transaction. Another harsh reality regarding divorce is that it is a business transaction. It may be difficult to calmly divide up the life you shared with your spouse, but emotional outbursts will only hinder the process. Wasser recommends parties keep their cool when negotiating divorce issues. Taking unreasonable positions in an attempt to punish your ex-partner will inevitably increase fees and delay the divorce process.
- Dissolve it before it gets ugly. The dissolution process will proceed more smoothly if the parties have maintained amicable feelings toward each other. If the parties still respect and care for each other, they are more apt to reaching mutually beneficial resolutions in the event of a dispute.
- Before discussing divorce, consider what you want to say. The opening discussion regarding divorce can set the tone for the entire dissolution process. If the parties openly discuss their options and agree to proceed in a collaborative manner, the divorce will likely proceed much smoother than if the parties open the dialogue with insults and threats.
- Keep your feelings to yourself. By wrapping up family, friends and co-workers in your divorce you may disclose too much information. It is important to keep the details of your divorce confidential by only sharing them with your attorney and a therapist if you are seeing one.
- Be prepared to share. If you have been the primary earner in the marriage you should be prepared to split all of your marital assets and to pay child and/or spousal support. This legal principal applies regardless of gender. The Court will order a female breadwinner to pay support just as a male breadwinner. Additionally, the parties should begin considering sharing their children and the difficulties of being apart from them.
- Do not behave badly in front of your children. For the well-being of your children, it is always best to make every effort not to involve them in the divorce process. This requires both parents to refrain from making disparaging remarks about the other in the presence of the children.
- Be graceful under pressure. In the event your spouse takes a “less than graceful” approach to the divorce process, it is important to remain stoic. Regardless of the poor behavior of one party, it is not appropriate to retaliate.
- Split assets together. Parties can save significant attorney fees and costs by reaching agreements together regarding smaller assets such as personal property in the family home. Often couples walk through the family home together and discuss what they would like. Read more about property division methods
- Don’t sleep with your ex-partner. Having a sexual relationship with your ex-partner post-separation can greatly impact your divorce case. A sexual relationship implies the marriage is not over and may change the date of separation.
Understanding Parental Alienation in California – Part 2
As we have previously blogged in “Understanding Parental Alienation in California Part 1,” parental alienation can be extremely detrimental to the children and alienated parents involved. Luckily, there are ways to combat parental alienation and attempt to reunite the child and alienated parent who have been affected by parental alienation.
Courts have found ways to address claims of parental alienation and seek remedies that will repair broken relationships and help establish both parents as having a role in raising the child. In mild to moderate cases of parental alienation, a child custody evaluation will typically be performed by an expert to determine how severe the problem is and what kind of therapy and child time sharing should be recommended to help improve the relationship between the child and “alienated” parent.
However, in severe cases of parental alienation, sometimes the only solution is to remove the child from the parent who is alienating the other parent and to instead place the child with the alienated parent. But, before a judge will change the custody arrangement, they will typically require that a psychological evaluation to be done. Unfortunately, such evaluations can take anywhere from three months to a year to complete. In addition, some evaluators will simply argue that the detriment caused by parental alienation can simply be cured with therapy and thus the evaluator will not recommend a custody change to the alienated parent, but instead will recommend a reunification plan involving therapy. If it appears that reunification is not working then the court will typically want the same or new psychologist to re-evaluate the situation, which will take additional time.
As an alienated parent, reuniting with your child can pose several challenges. As a result of the parental alienation the relationship with the child is likely very fragile and must be handled carefully in an attempt to repair what has been broken.
However, with proper psychological care, time and patience it is possible to attempt to reverse the effects of Parental Alienation Syndrome and mend your relationship with your child.
It is also advised that the alienated parent not retaliate against the other parent. Rather, if the alienated parent acts reasonably then the parent who is causing the alienation will hopefully be influenced to do the same.
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Understanding Parental Alienation in California – Part 1
While broken marriages can be stressful and emotional for both spouses involved, it is typically the children who end up suffering the most throughout the parents’ continued divorce battles. One prime example is where children end up suffering from “parental alienation syndrome,” which is commonly associated with child custody battles that occur during and after divorce. Parental alienation can be extremely detrimental to the child and the alienated parent alike.
Parental alienation occurs when one parent acts in a manner that attempts to cause the child to reject the other parent by undermining and thwarting the child’s relationship with the other parent. The purpose of such alienation is usually an effort by one parent to gain or keep custody of the child.
The following behavior will typically lead to claims of parental alienation:
- Not allowing the other parent to see or visit the child;
- Refusing to allow the child to talk to the other parent on the phone;
- Mis-informing the other parent about child’s special events so that it appears that the other parent chose not to attend;
- Creating a perception that the other parent is dangerous;
- Discarding mail or gifts sent to the child by the other parent;
- Creating expectation that the child must choose a side; and
- Bad-mouthing the other parent.
Parental Alienation Syndrome (“PAS”) is a form of psychological injury to the child as a result of the above behaviors, wherein the child becomes “brainwashed” or manipulated into viewing the alienated parent in a negative light. As a result, the child adopts negative views of the other parent which in turn causes the child to reject the other parent and choose no longer want to spend time with that parent.
This can be extremely detrimental for any child. However, it is important to note that Parental Alienation Syndrome is not recognized a psychiatric diagnosis, but rather it is a theory that was developed by Dr. Richard Gardner. Nonetheless, there is even scholarly consensus that parental alienation (which leads to Parental Alienation Syndrome) is a form of abuse to children.
The impact of parental alienation is not only detrimental to children involved but also to the alienated parent, who involuntarily loses contact with the child, which in turn impairs his/her relationship with the child. In severe cases of parental alienation, the love and bond that the alienated parent once had with the child may be completely destroyed beyond what seems possible to repair.
In Understanding Parental Alienation in California Part 2 we will explore ways that courts deal with claims of parental alienation and tips for reuniting the alienated parents with their children.
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What Does it Take to Finalize a Divorce in San Diego?
Another one bites the dust. TMZ reports that singer, Ben Harper, and actress, Laura Dern, are officially divorced. In 2010, after five years of marriage and two children later, Harper filed for divorce to Dern’s surprise. The couple reportedly tried to reconcile back in 2012, which turned out to be an utter failure. Now a year later, a Judge has signed off so they are officially divorced and will now be restored to their “single person” status.
Read more about the divorce from TMZ.com
So how exactly do divorcing couples, like Harper and Dern, know when their divorce is officially finalized? In other words, when can they truly move on with their lives and know that their marital status has been restored to “single” person status? In California, a divorce cannot be absolutely finalized until: all of the issues are resolved, a judgment has been signed by a judge and processed by the court, and the six month waiting period has lapsed.
Resolution of All Issues
Issues related to divorce (division of property, custody, child and spousal support, etc.) can be resolved by default, agreement by the parties, through court proceedings where the judge makes an order, or a combination thereof.
The California Divorce 6 Month Waiting Period
Many of our San Diego clients are familiar with the “six month rule”. This rule is codified in California Family Code Section 2339(a), which states that marital status cannot be terminated any sooner than six months from the date that the Respondent was served with the petition for dissolution of marriage or the date of appearance of the Respondent, whichever occurs first. One purpose of this six-month waiting period in California is to give the parties a chance to reconcile or reconsider pursuing the dissolution. Many divorcing couples will often times give the marriage one last shot. However, if the parties fail at reconciling, like Harper and Dern did, or have simply have no intention at all to reconcile, then they still cannot get a divorce until the six month waiting period has been met. The parties may prepare and even finalize their divorce judgment prior to the end of the six month date, however, they will not become “officially” divorced until the six months has lapsed. However, if the parties do not resolve all of the issues prior to the six month date, then they will not be automatically divorced on that date.
Final Divorce Judgment
Once all issues have been resolved, then all of the necessary paperwork must be filed with the court. Thus, even if all issues have been resolved and the six month rule is met, a divorce is not truly final until there is actually a judgment signed by a judge and processed by the Court. The parties will receive a Notice of Entry of Judgment, which means the Judgment is or has been processed but they need to wait for the rest of the Judgment documents, which will be returned to the person who filed them once the Court is done processing them and it will note the date upon which the parties will be restored to the status of single persons.
If you are interested in properly finalizing a divorce from your spouse we can provide you with information and guide you through the process. Our team of experienced attorneys is prepared to litigate on your behalf. If you wish you schedule a consultation with Bickford Blado & Botros, please call us at (858) 793-8884.
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Do San Diego Courts Favor Mothers in Child Custody Decisions?
California child custody laws have most certainly evolved during our history as a state. Historically, it appeared that mothers were favored in court to get custody of the parties’ children just because they were female. Mothers were pretty much guaranteed to get custody of the children, while even the best fathers were only given a limited visitation schedule while the children. Perhaps this was because traditionally mothers were viewed to be the more nurturing of the two parents; they were viewed as the parent who does everything in their power to make sure the children are taken care of properly and grow up right.
Despite popular belief, such favoring of mothers in child custody arrangements is not the case today. In this modern day in age, most states’ laws actually prevent the courts from considering a party’s gender when making a ruling on child custody. In San Diego, courts grant equal rights to both mothers and fathers in child custody cases. California Family Code Section 3040 specifically states that “custody should be granted… according to the best interest of the child…and shall not prefer a parent as custodian because of that parent’s sex.” Moreover, it is the public policy of California to ensure that children have frequent and continuing contact with both the mother and father.
Read more about child custody and visitation modification
The legal standard of “the best interests of the children” requires a court to take various factors into consideration, not including gender, when making a decision regarding the care and custody of the parties’ children. The Family Code sets forth various factors that a court will consider, including but not limited to, the following:
- Any history of abuse or neglect by either parent;
- The habitual or continual illegal use of controlled substances;
- The habitual or continual abuse of alcohol or prescribed controlled substances by either parent;
- The overall health, safety and welfare of the child;
- The requests of the parents;
- The requests of the child if the child is of sufficient age and capacity to form an intelligent preference as to custody or visitation (Family Code 3042);
Thus, the main concern of any San Diego family law court is what custody and visitation arrangement is going to be consistent with the children’s best interests. A parties’ sex, therefore, will not determine who gets priority for being awarded the care and custody of the children involved.
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Who Decides Which School the Kids Will Go to After a Divorce?
A divorce can be quite devastating for all parties involved, especially the children of divorcing couples whose lives are often affected in a variety of ways. One issue that frequently arises during a divorce is a dispute over where the children will attend school after the parents have moved their separate directions. Children with parents involved in an active divorce case at family court often worry that they will be uprooted from the friends and teachers that they have come to know, or that they will bounce around between different schools each year.
So who exactly gets to decide where the minor children will go to school after a divorce? Divorce lawyers will advise their clients that the answer depends on the custody order. When one parent has sole legal custody, then that parent has the right to choose which school the children will attend without the input of the other parent. On the other hand, when parents share joint legal custody, they have to agree on various important decisions related to the children, including which school to send their children to.Thus, one parent cannot enroll the parties’ minor children into a school without the consent of the other parent. If the joint custody/parenting plan doesn’t already address the issue of which school the children will attend, then the parents either have to come to an agreement on their own, agree in mediation, or direct their family law attorney to file a motion and take it to court for the Judge to decide. If the Judge is left to decide which school the minor children will attend, the Judge will typically look at what is in the best interests of the children. Some factors include, but are not limited to, desires of the children/parents, previous school selection by the parents, academic standard, proximity to custodial parent, children’s educational needs, commuting time from each parent’s home, tuition cost, etc. In situations where the children are already attending a certain school, then the likelihood of them continuing to attend that school is quite high, unless a compelling case is made that continuing attendance at that particular school is not in line with the children’s best interests. However, when the children are about to start kindergarten or are transitioning into a middle school, junior high school, or high school, then the decision might be a bit more complicated and the Judge will have to take various factors into consideration.
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Custody of Pets – Who Gets the Pets in a Divorce?
A common issue that comes up during the divorce process with our San Diego family law clients is how to divide the beloved family pets. It’s not uncommon for pet owners to view their dogs, cats, birds, horses, etc. to be part of the family, much like a child. However, unlike children, California courts cannot divide a pet by way of a custody and visitation arrangement. Instead, pets are considered to be a piece of the marital property and can be given to only one of the pet owners in the divorce, not both of them.
Dividing Pets in Court
There really is no way to predict what a Judge will decide if you take your claim regarding the family pet to court. Judges will often consider some of the following factors of the divorce:
- When the pet joined the family and whether one party had the pet before marriage;
- Who the primary caretaker is (which spouse is typically responsible for grooming, feeding, walking and day-to-day care);
- Who has more space for the pet to play and exercise;
- Who has more time to be able to spend with the pet;
- Whether either party has abused the pet and is therefore unfit to be awarded the pet; and
- Which party has the greatest emotional bond with the pet.
Dividing Pets Outside of Court
Although courts will not consider options for sharing a pet, spouses do have the option to come to an agreement outside of court regarding sharing custody of the pet or giving the other spouse visitation rights of the pet after a divorce.
If keeping custody of your pet after a divorce is very important to you, it might be best to keep the issue out of court and instead try to negotiate a shared custody arrangement with your soon to be former spouse or compromise regarding giving up other marital assets in order to keep the pet. However, you have to prepare yourself to be willing to give up some pieces of marital property that your soon to be former spouse wants, so that in exchange you can keep your beloved pet. Although difficult, you have to weigh what is more important to you.
It is also important to keep the best interest of the pet in mind. For instance, if you have minor children too, it might be best for the parent who has custody of the children to also have “custody” of the pet. Also, you should consider whether you will truly be able to give the pet the love, care and attention that it requires. If you know that you have a busy schedule, your finances are going to be extremely tight following divorce, or if perhaps you are moving into a new place without adequate space for the pet, then maybe it would actually be in the pet’s best interest to be given to your soon to be former spouse.
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How Does Divorce Affect My Credit Score?
Along with the emotional challenges of a divorce, financial challenges often also accompany a divorce proceeding. In relation to the many financial challenges, one question that often comes to the mind of our San Diego clients is:
How does divorce affect my credit?
The fact that you are now divorced won’t directly affect your credit, credit scores or credit history. This is because your creditworthiness is not based on your marital status. However, divorce can indirectly affect your credit in a number of ways, and usually not in a good way.