Articles Posted in Divorce Advice

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Parenting is a challenge no matter how you look at it. Parenting alone, when your spouse is no longer in the picture, is arguably even harder. After a divorce, you will not be able to rely on your ex-spouse’s assistance (assuming you did while married) when your children are in your custody. You will need to develop certain skills to cope with being a single parent, especially if you are the primary custodial parent post-divorce. Learning and applying these skills will take some time but will only serve to benefit both you and your children.

Don’t be afraid to ask for help. After a divorce you might feel a liberating sense of independence. But try not to let this newfound independence hinder your ego and keep you from asking for help when you need it. You might think that you have already burdened your family and friends enough when they helped you get through the divorce, but that doesn’t mean that they are done with you. If they stuck by your side through the tumultuous divorce they will most likely continue to stick by your side and support you in your journey as a single parent. So don’t be afraid to ask for that third, fourth or fifth hand when you need it most.

It’s important to develop a support group. You probably already have a support group of close family and friends who helped keep you sane throughout the divorce process. But think about also joining a local group of single parents for some extra support. Other single parents can relate to what you’re going through in a way that your family or friends might not be able to do.Don’t forget to take time for yourself. If you are a single parent, chances are that you are burning the candle at both ends to meet your child’s every need and keep up with daily tasks. Although you’re being a great parent, you’re probably forgetting to take time to focus on yourself. Even if it’s just an hour of quiet reading or a yoga session, give your mind and body a break from parenting every once and a while.

Getting through that first year of single parenting is something to pat yourself on the back for. Hopefully, things will only get easier from here on out. Remember that you are stronger than you think you are.
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Sometimes divorce is mutual and other times it’s completely one-sided. Going into the “divorce talk” with your spouse, you typically know whether it’s going to be a mutual decision or if it’s going to be completely one-sided. But what happens when you know that you want a divorce but your husband/wife does not? Is there anything you can do to make the process less painful for the both of you?

Since it takes two people to get married, it’s a common misconception that it takes two people to get divorced. But the truth of the matter is that getting a divorce can technically be done by just one spouse, even if the other spouse doesn’t want to get divorced. However, if your spouse is opposed to the divorce then there is probably a higher chance that your spouse will want to litigate many issues and drag the divorce out for as long as possible to rack up those attorney fees.

If your spouse is reluctant to get divorced but you know whole heartedly that it’s what you want, there are a few things you can do to mitigate the consequences. First, try to avoid letting your spouse find out about you wanting a divorce from someone else. Be the one to tell him/her directly. Getting divorce papers in the mail or a phone call from another family member or friend will simply fuel the anger and resentment if you haven’t taken the time to prepare your spouse for what is coming. You married your spouse, so even though there may be some legitimate reasons for wanting to divorce him or her, muster up the courage and respect to try and let your spouse down easy.Next, you can suggest to your spouse that the two of you go to counseling together. Having a third party there will help provide a safe environment for discussing the looming divorce. You may also be able to get a better understanding of why your spouse is so opposed to the divorce. Perhaps it is because of a fear of lack of financial stability once the marriage is over. If that is the case, you might consider giving your spouse more assets or conceding during settlement negotiations to pay more support.

In addition to going to counseling together, you can also discuss the possibility of mediation with your spouse. Many divorce attorneys also provide mediation services for spouses looking for a more amicable approach to the divorce process. If your spouse understands that you are willing to move forward with the divorce in a more open and friendly fashion then he/she may be less reluctant about the divorce. The mediator can help you focus on planning for your future rather than fighting about things that have happened in the past.
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A name change is one on the top of the “to do” list when a couple first marries. The new bride will decide whether she would like to keep her maiden name, take her husband’s last name or hyphenate the two. Recently, some grooms have also changed their names upon marriage taking their new bride’s name or even hyphenating their names. Although the groom name change is a new trend on the rise, more often than not, the bride will take some form of her new husband’s name instead. Often at the time of divorce, there are many other stressful and pressing factors to consider besides a name change. In addition, depending on the length of the marriage, it may seem like second nature for the wife to continue using her married name without considering a name change.

If you are going through a divorce it is important to consider whether or not you would like to be restored to your former name prior to finalizing your divorce. If you and your spouse have resolved your divorce by agreement, it is easy to check the name change box on the final forms and/or include the appropriate provisions in the settlement documents. If you and your spouse did not reach an out-of-court settlement and proceed with trial, you can request a name change from the judge at the end of your case. After the divorce process is complete, the procedure for a name change is more difficult. If you are considering a name change during the pendency of your divorce, it is important to discuss that issue with your attorney so that he or she can take the proper steps to ensure the change is included in the final divorce paperwork.If you have already changed your name pursuant to your final divorce judgment, there are still additional steps you must take in order to complete the process and avoid future logistical problems. With a new name, you will need to obtain a new social security card. Your social security number will not change, but your name will appear different on your new card. Procedures for requesting a new social security card are outlined on the Social Security Administration‘s official website. A request for a new social security card can be submitted personally at the nearest Social Security Administration office or by mail.

After you obtain a new social security card, you will need to request a new driver’s license from the California Department of Motor Vehicles. Unfortunately, the DMV requires you to appear in person in order to request a new driver’s license under these circumstances. With a new driver’s license and social security card, you can request a new passport, credit cards, debit cards and update all of your information on other financial accounts.
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If you are going through a divorce then you are likely aware of how impacted the courts are, due to a limited budget, and how long a divorce can be drawn out as a result of court hearings being scheduled months out. Impacted courts are especially a concern for litigants going through a divorce who are dealing with a heavily emotional legal case.
Couples who need the Court’s assistance with getting permanent orders with regard to child custody, division of property, spousal support or other issues related to a divorce, may need another avenue to end their divorce sooner. Privately compensated temporary judges offer just that.

Perhaps the acronym PCTJ has come up in discussions with your attorney or opposing counsel. PCTJ stands for Privately Compensated Temporary Judge. California Rules of Court Rule 2.834, which became effective January 2010, provides parties with the option to opt out of public courts and make use of a privately compensated temporary judge.

A request for the appointment of a privately compensated temporary judge must be directed to and granted by the family court judge. The parties can sign a stipulation agreeing to hire a privately compensated temporary judge, which will then become a court order.

A privately compensated temporary judge has and exercises all powers and duties of a San Diego Superior Court Judge. However, matters that occur before a privately compensated temporary judge are not held at the courthouse. Since the proceedings will be held outside court facilities, typically court personnel may not be used in the proceedings.Hiring a privately compensated temporary judge typically results in a quicker hearing and therefore quicker resolution of the disputed issue(s) in the case. However, hiring a privately compensated judge does involve an additional cost. The parties will not only incur the expenses of their attorney’s fees, filing fees and other costs, but also the cost to hire the privately compensated temporary judge. The parties can agree to split the cost. However, this additional cost must be weighed against the cost of going through the public sector, which may actually rack up more attorney fees as a result of delayed hearings and potentially interrupted trials.
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For many people, their first experience with a courthouse is through a divorce proceeding. Going to court for the first time can be intimating for someone who does not know what to expect. If you have not been inside a courtroom before you likely imagine it is similar to images portrayed on television. In San Diego, the courthouses and courtrooms are vastly different than the courthouses and courtrooms shown on popular T.V. shows. Below is a list of tips to help you become prepared for your first trip to one of San Diego’s family law courthouses.

Parking:
In San Diego County there are six different courthouses that your case can be assigned to. Your case assignment will be based on the zip code of you or your spouse. Some of the courthouses (Vista, South Bay, and East County) have their own parking lots where litigants can park for free. However, these lots may fill up fast so you will want to allow extra time to find parking before your hearing. The three courthouses downtown do not have connecting parking lots and do not reimburse for parking. Litigants can park at a nearby lot (with a cost ranging from $10-$24 dollars for the day) or a metered parking space. Again, it is important to allow for extra time to find parking before your hearing.

Security in the Courthouse:
The San Diego County Sherriff’s Department staffs the security at all of the county’s family law courthouses. When you first enter a family law courthouse you must pass through the metal detectors and place all of your personal belongings on the conveyor belt to be x-rayed. If you want to pass through security without any problems, leave any weapons (including household items that could be used as a weapon) at home or in your car. Depending on the rules at the particular courthouse your case is assigned to, you may be required to remove your jacket and/or your belt before passing through the metal detectors. The security check will take a little time, so you will want to arrive a few minutes early to account for that.

Navigating the Courthouse:
After you make it through security, locate the department that your case is assigned to and wait nearby for the courthouse to open. You can often confirm you are in the right place by reading the signs posted outside of the department. Most courtrooms will post a list of the hearings for each calendar that day. One list might say 9:00 AM and have a list of name and then another might say 1:45 PM and have a different list of names. If you think you are in the right place and your case is not listed on the appropriate list, you should check with a bailiff.

The Courtroom:
Do not be alarmed if you are in the right place at the right time, but the courtroom is locked. It is very common for the courtrooms to open up much later than the time matters are originally set to be heard. When the judge is ready to hear your case, a bailiff will make the announcement that the department is open. Once the announcement is made, file in with the rest of the litigants and check-in with the bailiff. Before the judge takes the bench, the bailiff needs to review the list of hearings and determine which parties are present. If the bailiff has checked your name off the list, take a seat and wait for your matter to be called. While you are in the courtroom make sure that your cell phone is turned off. The courtroom will likely have other rules such as no gum chewing, food, drinks, hats, etc. Family law hearings are public; therefore, you will likely hear other cases go before you and your matter will be heard with the other litigants present in court.
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If you and/or your spouse are contemplating divorce, one of the initial considerations is whether you should file for divorce or wait for your spouse to file first. Specifically, is there an advantage or disadvantage to filing for divorce first? In a typical divorce proceeding, it does not make a big difference whether you are the petitioner (first to file) or respondent in your case. In the court’s view, both parties are on a level playing field. The petitioning party is not penalized for filing first, but he or she is also not rewarded in any way. In addition, the San Diego Superior Court charges the same filing fee ($435) for filing the Petition for Dissolution and the Response to Petition for Dissolution. Combined, the parties will spend $870 just to make their appearances in a divorce proceeding.

There can be a slight advantage to being the first to file for divorce if you and your spouse reside is different zip codes. Your divorce case will be assigned to a particular courthouse based on representations made in the Petition. If you would like your case heard at the courthouse near your home, you should file a Petition before your spouse. If you believe there may be some advantage to you if the case is heard at the courthouse your spouse’s zip code is assigned to, you can file a Petition and have the case assigned to that courthouse. The petitioner will decide which courthouse his or her divorce case is assigned to. Consulting with an experienced family law attorney who has worked in the different courthouses throughout San Diego County can help you make the decision regarding where to file your case.

In a small number of cases, the first party to file can have a significant outcome on the divorce proceedings. If you and your spouse live in different states or even different counties within California, you should consider filing for divorce as soon as possible. When two spouses live in different counties, the responding spouse will be required to travel to a different county to attend court hearings. This has the potential to be an inconvenience and makes communication with a local attorney slightly more difficult. However, if you and your spouse live in different states, you will want to compare the laws of that state to family code statues and cases in California. It is imperative that you consult with a divorce attorney immediately to determine if you could be greatly disadvantaged if your spouse files for divorce out of state.

If you and your spouse share minor child(ren), the jurisdictional issues involved in your case may be even more complicated. Becoming informed of your options is the first step you can take towards protecting your rights.
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Amber Rose recently filed for divorce from rapper hubby Whiz Khalifa. According to TMZ, she’s convinced that Khalifa has been cheating for quite some time now and making excuses that just don’t add up. When Rose wanted to join Khalifa on tour, he allegedly told her that she should stay home with their 1 year child instead. But Khalifa is convinced that it’s Rose who has been the one cheating and that she’s accusing him just to cover up her own infidelity.

Unfortunately many divorces, not just celebrity divorces, stem from an unfaithful partner. Unfaithfulness leads to a lack of trust between the spouses and then typically a complete breakdown of the marriage itself. Although finding out that your spouse is or has been unfaithful can be extremely painful for you and your family, here are some warning signs that you can look for to help determine whether your spouse has been or is on the verge of being an unfaithful partner.

1) There are extended periods of time where your spouse is unaccountable 2) Your spouse is spending more and more time with his/her “new friend”
3) There is distance in the bedroom between the two of you 4) Your spouse has a sudden need for privacy regarding his/her computer activity, cell phone activity, credit cards, etc.
5) Your spouse is requesting space to figure out his/her feelings 6) Your spouse’s typical work habits change (i.e. working much later or odd hours)
7) Your spouse is having secretive phone callsIf you can answer yes to any of the above then it might be time for you to consider talking to a family divorce lawyer. However, keep in mind that even though most people agree that adultery is wrong, California’ s divorce laws are actually forgiving of adultery. In fact, California was the first state to implement the concept of a no-fault divorce in 1970. This means that California Courts will not consider infidelity as a ground for divorce. Family law judges in California also cannot order the “cheater” to pay spousal support simply because of his/her misconduct. Rather, spousal support is based on the financial needs of one spouse and the other spouse’s ability to pay it. In California, adultery also does not play a factor is the Court’s decision regarding child custody and visitation. Rather, California Court looks at what is in the best interests of the children.
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Considering the intimate nature of family law cases, especially divorces, both parties often know incriminating information about each other. For example, if one party has not been completely truthful on his or her tax returns filed with the IRS the other spouse likely knows about it. In some cases, one party may have the grounds for a domestic violence restraining order against the other or be a victim of illegal wiretapping, which was committed by his or her spouse. In a contentious divorce, spouses are often tempted to use sensitive information as leverage in negotiations.

Divorce lawyers have a reputation for being ferocious litigators who have no ethical boundaries when it comes to “taking down” the opposing party. Clients are often surprised when their divorce attorneys actually refuse to threaten civil, criminal or federal prosecution in the negotiation process. Clients imagine that they can tell the other side “Agree to pay me ‘X’ amount of spousal support for ten years or I will file a restraining order against you” or “If you don’t agree to give me full legal and physical custody of the children I will report your real income to the IRS”. They often become frustrated that their lawyer will not “fight” for them by using all of the tools in their arsenal.Contrary to how the lawyer’s behavior will seem to the client, a lawyer is actually acting in the client’s best interest by refusing to threaten the other side to gain an advantage in litigation. The California Rules of Professional Conduct prohibit all attorneys from threatening “criminal, procedural, administrative, or disciplinary charges to obtain an advantage in a civil dispute”. Therefore, a lawyer’s hands are tied by his or her ethical obligations. A lawyer would put his or her reputation and career in jeopardy if he or she were to threaten to use misconduct against the other side in a divorce negotiation. In addition to putting the lawyer in a position where he or she may be disciplined by the California state bar, the client risks extortion charges.

A family law litigant that threatens the other side in order to get what they want in a divorce case is also at risk of being sanctioned. In family court, one of the most powerful tools at the judge’s discretion is a monetary sanction. If one party frustrates California’s policy of settlement between litigants in a divorce action, he or she may be ordered to pay attorney fees and costs to the other side. Depending on the assets of the parties and the egregiousness of the misconduct, significant sanctions can be ordered for tens of thousands of dollars. Overall, threats of criminal, civil or federal prosecution may get you more than you bargained for in a family law case.
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During a dissolution case, also known as a divorce, you will likely be required to attend a court hearing at some point during the process. Regardless of what type of hearing it is, getting oriented with the family law court and properly preparing yourself for your day in court is half the battle.

Mental Preparation

Whether or not you are being represented by an attorney, it is important that you come to court well-rested and ready to participate in the proceedings with a clear mind. Family Court hearings can be quite stressful and emotional draining so getting the proper amount of rest will surely help your mental well-being.

If you have not been to the courthouse before, be sure to get proper directions, figure out how long it will take you to get there and look into the parking facilities. Knowing where you are going and giving yourself enough time to get there will help alleviate some of the stress that you will inevitably be feeling. Also, it is important to make sure that you have any necessary paperwork ready to go the night before so that you don’t have to worry about rushing on the morning of your court date.

What to Bring and What Not to Bring With You

Courts require payment by the parties for the Court Reporter on certain days and for certain hearings. Be sure to have your checkbook with you when you come to court so that you are prepared if a payment needs to be made for your share of the Court Reporter’s charges.

On the other hand, be sure to leave anything that might be considered a weapon at home as most courthouses have metal detectors at the front door.

What to Do When You Arrive

If you are represented by legal counsel make arrangements with your attorney where to meet once you get to court. Typically, attorneys will meet their clients in the hallway outside of the courtroom where your hearing is taking place. If you are not currently represented by legal counsel then go directly to the courtroom designated for your hearing. A calendar will be posted right outside of the courtroom which will list the cases scheduled for that day. Confirm that your case is listed on the calendar to make sure that you are indeed at the right courtroom.

Once you are inside the courtroom you might be interested in orienting yourself with the court personnel and order of events. For detailed information, please read “How to Prepare for Your Day in Family Law Court: Part II”, which will be posted March 18, 2014.
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American Idol winner Kelly Clarkson married fiancé Brandon Blackstone on October 20, 2013 in a quiet Tennessee ceremony. Although Clarkson has won 3 Grammys, 4 American Music Awards, and 13 Billboard awards throughout her successful singing career, no premarital agreement was reported before her wedding. Clarkson has been known to frequently “Tweet” about her happy relationship with Blackstone; however, even the happiest couples sign premarital agreements in some cases.

A premarital agreement, often referred to as a “pre-nup,” is a contract containing spousal support and/or property division terms that would control in the event of a divorce. Without a premarital agreement, the community property laws of the State of California control property division upon divorce. Celebrities and high powered business people are the first ones to come to mind when discussing pre-nups; however, divorce attorneys report a jump in these agreements between people from all walks of life over the past ten years.

Many family law attorneys attribute the rise in premarital agreements to the fact that more people remarry later in life and are now looking to protect existing separate property assets. In addition, considering that many people are marrying for the second and third time as they get older, they also enter into premarital agreements to protect their children from their first and/or second marriages. Premarital agreements become more crucial when people enter into marriages with a significant amount of wealth or property. However, they can be entered into by any couple when they marry and can be altered over time as the parties acquire wealth and property.

If a couple marries without a premarital agreement but later wish they had taken that legal step, they have the option of entering into a post-nuptial agreement. A post-nuptial agreement can serve the same purposes as a premarital agreement. The only major difference between a premarital agreement and a post-nuptial agreement is that a post-nuptial agreement is signed after marriage. Therefore if Clarkson and Blackstone would like to reach a legally binding agreement regarding property and/or spousal support in the event of divorce, they could easily do so by signing a post-nuptial agreement.

Many couples avoid premarital agreements because of the stigma attached to signing one. Engaged couples considering a premarital agreement may not discuss it with their significant others or family in order to avoid accusations that they don’t believe their marriage will last. Singing a premarital agreement does not mean that the parties are already considering divorce or that they don’t trust each other. In fact, a premarital agreement can be a great tool to get couples talking about financial issues and improve communication on these topics.
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